11 unforgettable truths 2021 taught me by yung pueblo
Your healing comes first
Boundaries will nourish you
Being busy is not glamorous
Heavy emotions are temporary
Say yes only when it feels right
Self-awareness helps you react less
Build with emotionally mature people
Embracing change lifts up your peace
Saying no supports your mental health
Healing yourself helps heal your connections
You lose yourself by trying to please everyone
Hello, you!
November is gone already! Yesterday, as I took my usual Sunday evening nap, the background noise falling on my ears decided to turn up. Aana’s continuous barking pierced through my right ear & the cacophony of kids playing cricket buzzed in my left. At first, I screamed from my sleep pleading to my family to make Aana stop. Then, I got up from my bed to pounce at the kids from my balcony. For a brief moment, I thought to myself that I am acting like Ove from Backman’s A Man Called Ove. He was an agitated old soul who made everyone’s life miserable around him. But that conscious moment of realization lasted for less than half a second. I shouted at the kids to stop ruining my Sunday siesta threatening they won’t be allowed to play cricket here otherwise.
Before you judge me, read on, okay?
A couple of days back I wrote to a complete stranger who was on a sabbatical in Goa asking how he came about taking that decision. I wanted to know if he had a plan already in mind before taking the plunge. Because as per his story, he made the right decision & was able to do some inner work through that break. He replied with a generous voice note starting with a kind greeting saying, “hey stranger!” followed by a detailed answer on the why and the how and everything else that I was seeking from his experience. Those responses felt reassuring. It let me look at hope through a new perspective, one that I wouldn’t mind exploring.
I am & have been in a perpetual mental dichotomy about various things in my life. So I end up transferring the bad-ness of it to people around me. This is why I’ve started to believe that maybe, I’m not meant to co-exist, to save myself & more people from the hurt. I don’t want to dwell on this scary idea because hell I do want a halo of love and warmth hovering over my being. So, I’ll instead borrow the idea of ‘summing-up’ from a book I recently finished reading by Rachel Cusk - Outline.
Btw, Ove was a nice guy in his basic character. Same goes for me, you know. *tries to not look into the eyes*
In the final chapter, Faye (the narrator/protagonist) meets the last stranger, Anne, on her visit to Athens. When Faye asks her what the problem was, on not being able to bring her writing pieces to completion, her nonchalant answer was:
‘I call it summing up.’ Whenever she conceived of a new piece of work, before she had got very far she would find herself summing it up. Often it only took one word: tension, for instance, or mother-in-law. As soon as something was summed up, it was to all intents and purposes dead, a sitting duck, and she could go no further with it. And it wasn’t only her own work – she found herself doing it to other people, and had discovered that even the masters, the works she had always revered, allowed themselves by and large to be summed up. And not just books either, it was starting to happen with people – she was having a drink with a friend the other night and she looked across the table and thought, friend, with the result that she strongly suspected their friendship was over.
To me, my mind sums it up when it registers the word, meeting i.e. anything related to work. The kind of cultural malaise that she was feeling is similar to the kind of existential delusion I’m in at the moment. So much so that my inner world feels summed most times. I’ve summed up long dangling half hearted friendships this year. I’ve summed up that deep longing to receive friendship and love from people I admire but who were always callous in their actions towards me. I’ve summed up reading books I was supposed to read with certain people. I’ve summed up my plans of visiting Bangalore this December because I fear I’ll end up summing up more friendships than I can bear to sum up. See what I’m talking about? My brain is on a resignation spree & rightly so (maybe? Don’t worry, I’ve resumed therapy :) ).
As the world gears up for winter holiday cheer, my excitement to frolic, eat great food and drink mulled wine has dawned over. Netflix and all other OTTs are already loaded with everything christmas-y and new year-y. I ended up watching Last Christmas this month. It stars Emilia Clarke who I happen to resemble (as per some) particularly when both Emilia & I stretch our facial muscles into a wide smile or a frown. For a change, this Christmas movie was not like a traditional sad turned happy cheery plot. It had enough symbolism and meaning to take away. Most movies conclude with a message telling you to value your life. But they don’t tell you how your lives always carry value, even when you think life has mostly been unfair to you. This one did. This one said it takes time to come to terms with your abnormalities. Bottom line is we are all NOT normal. So not normal that the word normal, in its complete isolation, doesn’t carry any meaning. We have to learn to come to terms with our uniqueness. And once we accept ourselves as we are, the rest of the world has no other option but to fall in line with your distinctness. I’ll tell you the ways I find myself to be tangent. There’s a list, yes :D
Whenever I’m in the kitchen, setting up my meals, making coffee or things like that, I’m also in an imaginary monologue with the friends I’ve lost contact with in the past years. I just never seem to get over this disconnect whenever I’m in the kitchen. Rest of the rooms, I don’t think of them at all.
I want to and not want to be in a relationship.
I sleep a lot. I’m very lazy. I sometimes think I have ADHD. And now I think Ziger planted this thought in my head. Aisa kyun kiya tum Ziger?
I feel like holding Aana in my arms all the time. Well I love her a lot, that’s why. But I’m sure she thinks I’m some weirdo and wants me to back the fuck off.
Sexism drives me mad. I want men & women both to see through the bias we’ve been living with till now and speak up dude. This is not right. It affects me to the point that I’ve recalculated all kinds of relationships with men I’ve had till now.
I want to become a vegan. I was already on a path to it & I don’t get how or why I let myself drift away from it.
I’m irritated by the normalized usage of the phrase “it broke my heart”. If it did, you wouldn’t carry on with living your life just 5 seconds after that wreckage.
I keep asking strange people on how they took a break for themselves. The answer usually revolves around the same lines and that is they wanted to focus on their self doubts/personal growth yet I don’t seem to do it for myself.
If I had a little one, I would indulge them into this beautiful composition by Soumik Datta painting a beautiful case for the planet earth through his music, animated by Sachin Bhatt and Anjali Kamat.
I’ve subscribed to a daily mailer from “we are really not strangers”. Today’s message was something that felt personalized & I’d like to leave you with the same message:
It's okay if you're not the best version of yourself. it's okay if you've been feeling like shit or at 50% and it's also okay if you don't even know why. breathe and allow whatever is coming up to show up. holidays, family time, winter, work stress, life, can add up. Please be patient with yourself. sending you a virtual hug. I'm proud of how strong you've been. I know it hasn't been easy.
May the last month of this year be a merry one for you. :)
Riti x