When things get rough we all have our own reserve of temporary goodnesses to indulge in. While many people indulge in activities that are accessible within the comfort of their space, adding a touch of the outside to those favorite activities makes it all the more endearing. For instance, I like to read. But when my mind can’t think straight, when the workload is too much, when I don’t want to interact with anyone and also don’t want to be in the same four walled space where I go back to sleep - I tend to step out. Rather, I used to step out. (no matter how much I try to avoid Covid, it comes up). I used to explore cafes where I could sit and read a book that I would carry along. I would taste different kinds of beverages, order a croissant and dissolve myself in that busy and ordinary yet calming surrounding. Or I used to visit a home school run by an NGO and spend some time with a notorious but brilliant bunch of kids. It made me happy. Circle back to the present times, I don’t have the privilege to do that. Even though many people have decided on going out and reliving the normal yet I can’t make my peace with doing the same. The deadliness of the virus is very much real in my mind. Real enough for me to not jeopardize my health for a momentary pleasure.
While we’re at pleasure, I have an interesting excerpt by Alexandra Timmer to track how Van Gogh made his way through experiencing pleasure.
“Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn't possibly have any direct correlation to one's happiness, but i never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possibly work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, then you are going to do it. It's really no different than falling in love or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their own yellow paint.”
As much as going out to a café on my own or spending time with the kids at the home school was my escape route to happiness. To align with the present situation, I have recalibrated and renovated the idea of my new yellow paint. It won’t sound as mad to the reader as that of Gogh’s idea but trust me, it is much more maddening in my head. I hope that this pandemic wouldn’t take away the one activity that gives me the ultimate rush of happiness i.e. reading and writing. So I decided to name this blog/newsletter as, ‘my yellow paint’. I had written a blog a month back about me reminiscing my pre-covid life but to keep myself consistent at this, I’m giving it a name & in that intent, trying to make it formal. I’ll mostly rant here with occasional recommendations and opinions on books, feelings and everything under the surface.
I have a habit of typing random things I observe in the Notes app of my phone. And when I look at it at the end of the day - it reads like a personal news bulletin. Here’s an example from 31st July, 2019:
Many people are wearing black today. Got myself a hot chocolate brownie. Guilty that I had to get it packed in plastic. Craving overpowered by conscience. Relished it while my uber pool co-passenger tried to look away. Overheard another pool passenger making plans to meet an old friend in her hometown. Got a feeling she actually won’t. Roommate texted her Hinge date is saying he’s too tired to make a public appearance and is calling her home instead. Told her not to go. Heard kids inside the lift say, ‘good things fall apart’.
The reason I’m sharing this snippet is because I recently read a book called Weather written by Jenny Ofill. My notes section looks exactly how this book is narrated. Or maybe I’m taking the liberty of not self-sabotaging the ability of my mind for once. The protagonist is narrating her personal story by blending it with critical global issues like climate crisis, mental health & racism. I have possibly highlighted every paragraph in this book. At the first glance, I didn’t quite understand if this was prose or poem. But slowly, it started to make sense. If someone wants to read something fresh from the literary world, I would tell this one sure won’t disappoint.
Here are a few drops from the ocean of my favorite bits -
On labels & the confusion it causes.
"It's slow today so I help her set up for class. Cushions for the strong, chairs for the weak. "You should stay," she always tells me, but I never do. Not sure where to sit."
On disasters, emergencies & what goes unsaid when any of this happens i.e. survival of the "fittest".
"That night on the show, there's an expert giving advice about how to survive disasters, natural and man-made. He says it's a myth that people panic in emergencies. Eighty percent just freeze. The brain refuses to take in what is happening. This is called the incredulity response. "Those who live move," he says."
I can go on and on, but let this be the last one. A dark, funny, proper meme material in my head.
"One morning a student tells me failure is not an option and is angered when I laugh. I assume a cheerful manner. I tell her, Hey, me too, I used to have plans! Biggish ones, medium at least. She stares at me. Sorry? she says. After she goes, I slip into the bathroom, make sure I don't have lipstick on my teeth."
Now tell me, isn’t it somewhat similar to the example I shared from my notes? Yes I’m seeking some validation. :P
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Since the theme of this blog naturally turned into a nice, happy and breezy shade of yellow, please don’t be fooled by the omission of the flipside that will dominate most of my following blogs.
For now, this is it. I have a lot to share. Please share your thoughts, whims and woes with me. I’ll be happy to chat.
P.S. Even if I get one reader here who looks forward to my next letter, I’d be glad! :)
As a fellow scribbler I empathize with you. Very well written piece on daily experience and the connectedness of things.
Loved it. You're so good. 💖💖💖💖