It’s a rare reader who doesn’t go to the novel looking for a kind of encouragement to live. - Norman Rush
hi hello. well, it’s been a while. chance has it that the 23rd sip of the yellow paint is arriving in your mailbox in the year 2023. hope your heart did a shimmy at the onset of this year! mine rested in a much needed peaceful melancholy. i can finally say that i’m now in the restoration mode from what felt like an eternity long state of being in ruins. i call it restoration rather than rebuilding because there’s a great deal of self that needs to be preserved.
now for an effective and sustainable restoration one needs to consider appropriate choice of materials. for me, while the only readily available material i have is books, paper and pen, mixing it up by bringing music back to my life helped me lay the foundation stone for my self-restoration project.
most of my mornings start with me strutting to the terrace with my guitar (she’s called stevie btw, i’ll do an elaborate introduction for her later), my two puppers and guest appearances of our maali, my mother & brother bearing confused & sometimes understanding witness to my incessant practice. sometimes when I get tired of the practice, i start tapping the wood of the guitar. sometimes when i’m being ignorant of the mighty sunshine falling on my face, i look back at it with squinted eyes and smile a wide smile. sometimes when the dogs start fighting with each other, i try to talk some sense to them. sometimes they listen, other times i too become a party to the mischief. i run around the terrace with a lanky long wooden stick as the two girls try to snatch it away from my grip. the elder one is hell feisty and wins it all the time. and at each of her wins, i contain her face between my palms and give her a big loud kiss on her forehead and skimpy cheeks. she makes a disgruntled noise like how a child embarrassed by their parents would make. and that makes me dig my face deeper into her fur and lather her with many more kisses. my younger one does fine with handshakes and high fives. in all this brouhaha, i have observed their laughs and it’s the most weirdly beautiful thing to have seen. their face tilts to a 45 degree angle, lips stretched wide to their ears, teeth all out & each eye pointing at a dislocated angle, almost cross eyed. see below for reference.
try observing how a dog or any animal laughs. you won’t be able to get it until you do. and once you see it, it’ll be just your moment to witness laugh lines of someone other than a human. next, i want to see an owl or a parakeet smile. tell me in the comments if you’ve seen any animal laugh?
i’ve also been able to look at laugh lines of plants. they smile with shades of embossed brown lines after receiving equal proportion of sunlight, water and my mother’s chatter. it’s pre-established that they are my mom’s babies and that’s why i’m extra cautious around them. maybe they complain to her about my noisy practice sessions. or maybe they whisper and laud the progress i’m making. maybe my mom takes pride in the fact that the plant community is acknowledging her daughter’s dedication. because during evenings, when mother and i unwind over a cup of tea she tells me to sing to her and play the new tune i discovered that day. it feels like she’s trying to catch-up with what the plants already know so she doesn’t fall behind in being a witness to my musical journey. :)
i managed to capture some of the laugh lines of my mumma’s babies. it’s a visual treat uff -
of the various things i’m exploring on the guitar, i’m also learning to play my favorite symphony by Led Zeppelin & although i’m probably only half way there.. i couldn’t resist but share the current progress on my instagram with a caption saying, “i’m worried about the birds, the dogs and the neighbors and mostly the plants who hear me for hours at stretch practicing the same tune & hope they don’t go deaf.” to which I got a sweet response saying not to worry with an assurance that the “forest will echo with laughter”! if there was a way to capture the laugh lines to my soul, i would have. :)
whilst it’s good to rejoice in the experience of witnessing all kinds of laugh lines, it’s customary to mention about the tears that were shed last year. my last ten letters are a testimony to what a brutal year it had been. i wanted to be hugged tight and long. i spent a lot of evenings scooted in my mother’s laps. a lot of long nights on video calls with my friend, sister, lover all in one person who lives in kolkata. many days in her physical presence where she helped me collect myself back. amidst the chaos, we managed to take a short getaway together to rishikesh, which too was filled with a lot of salty waters. she made me watch some episodes of modern love & i cried big tears. grateful that i got to do all of this in the presence of those who love me as i am (mostly they don’t have any other option :D) there’s comfort in shredding pieces of yourself in front of those who expect nothing from you but for you to be at ease.
i started small this year, with a 3 day solo getaway to lucknow for a friend’s wedding. this trip commenced with a major breakdown a day before i was to leave but what followed was something i didn’t quite imagine. i smiled watching my friend smile throughout his nikaah, laughed while we put curtains in his house a day before the wedding, danced on lightening fast beats of dholki on his baraat, roamed around the city of nawabs with a bunch of nutty strangers drinking kashmiri tea, eating shaahi tukdas and sometimes by myself shopping for chikan ka kapda. and so much more. it made me want to make so many more memories with my friends. it made me realize that the restoration is going well. i’ve also been training for an adventure which i’ll speak about in much detail by the end of february. till then, hope you have a great deal of looking forward to do this year. hope you get to become more and more wild and free. hope you feed more to your emotions, i’ve found great strength in understanding mine. that’s what makes me truly me. the demons in us, let them be. the more you try to tame them, the bigger they become. and when has control helped anyone anyway?
here’s a tiny list of things & experiences that kept me warm and mushy in this chilly weather. through this letter (which came in 3 months late, sowy), i hope you get a teeny tiny, kind of encouragement to live. write to me with it?
a movie called “aftersun” that took me along with its beautiful, soulful journey (available on mubi). it’s been 2 weeks since i watched it & now that i’ve brought it up i think i’ll watch it again. this is a masterpiece in depicting a person with acute unspoken mental illness who’s trying with all his heart not to pass it on to his daughter.
been humming this stupid funny tune by frank & nancy sinatra
an essay i hard related with. it’s titled “personal growth” by Marina Benjamin. here’s a thought provoking excerpt:
Everything in our literate culture argues that the act of telling is cathartic, insists that speech acts are empowering. In certain contexts this is true. But when what is happening to you, and around you does not feel like your story, when ‘owning it’ is the last thing you wish to do, the telling becomes fraught with danger and consequence.
the extraordinary show that is “extraordinary attorney woo” on netflix. story of an autistic woman working with her raw & honest emotions in the field of law. it’s a wholesome watch if you are able to cross the barrier of language
i reviewed my guitar teacher by creating a parody song for her & she loved it. called it perfect, just saying.
i look at this picture everyday. a dream writing setup with a view that none can tire of (courtesy: twitter)
now go witness laugh lines of all kinds & tell me about it!
love love
riti
Love it!